JUNE 23RD - 15:44

don't listen to faith, listen to love - (the result of witnessing a grotesque preacher in the city today)....

yesterday matt, kelly chris and i drove to lincoln - went to the angel for a coffee with collette, then went to topman to buy some more vests (they make me feel free!), HMV so matt could pick up the new mars volta record...

then went to CEX - i bought taxi driver and ricky gervais - animals (they put the wrong disc in though, gave me politics instead. i forgot to take it back today, bugger..). i bought 50000 fall fans can't be wrong (they have a song called cheetham hill - i don't know why i'm so surprised) and kate bush - the red shoes.

kate bush is so special to me - the kick inside and hounds of love are two of the most perfectly expressive albums i've ever heard, she is a beautiful woman - a beautiful human being...

the red shoes has an absolutely amazing song on it, an undercover collaboration with prince (who is a huge kate bush admirer) - why should i love you?

it mixes kate's purity, femininity and beauty with the intricate funk of prince's production - the lyrics are stunning...

kate bush - why should i love you?

"This chapter says

"Put it out of your mind"

Give it time....

The fine purple
The purest gold
The red of the Sacred Heart
The grey of a ghost
The "L" of the lips are open
To the "O" of the Host
The "V" of the velvet

Of all of the people in the world
Why should I love you?
There's just something 'bout you
There's just something 'bout you
Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?

Have you ever seen a picture
Of Jesus laughing?
Do you think
He had a beautiful smile?
A smile that healed

Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?
There's just something 'bout you
There's just something 'bout you
Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?
Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?

The fine purple
The purest gold
The red of the Sacred Heart
The grey of a ghost
The "L" of the lips are open
To the "O" of the Host
The "V" of the velvet
The "E" of my eye
The eye in wonder
The eye that sees
The "I" that loves you

Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?"

tonight i am packing for glastonbury - we set off tomorrow morning at 5AM. 

JUNE 22ND - 10:24

so, friday night = das moustache.

once again, brilliant. me, kelly, chris, ryan, amy, richard, tom, chesca .. brilliant night. i love the das moustache ideals, a real party for real kids. they played raspberry beret, handsome devil, bigmouth strikes again and there is a light that never goes out - me chris and kelly being awful...

ended up talking to a girl who we met outside of sugarcubes, i think her name was beckie, and her friend frank...she came over to us when she heard us singing first of the gang to die at the top of our lungs whilst having a smoke....told us she's so happy that there are other people in lincoln who have good music taste...told us about how she loves her best friend but doesn't want to scare her off by telling her...i told her to absolutely do it.

got home at about 4AM - it was starting to get light when we got in, and i had a mild stomach ache...thankfully it wore off as i went to sleep though.

woke up at about 11/12 and chris and kelly went home. i stayed in lincoln and met my mum at 2.30PM, took her to the angel for coffee with collette, ryan and chesca.  it was her idea not to go to coffee aroma - i like her thinking. ended up having two or three hours of delightful banter, then went to the market to buy a phone battery. mum left, and ryan chesca and i went to blue banana so ryan could get some trendy CRIMINAL DAMAGE jeans. then went and had a 'hmv' binge that resulted in my buying absolutely nothing.

came home at around 6ish and went to elle's birthday party at around 8. left around 10.30...kelly left me to carry a crate of strongbow back to hers - so chris and i took a different route and shook all the cans to high heaven - this prevailed when a couple of 'likely lads' asked me for a can, the screams as we walked away...

yesterday i drove with kelly to witham st hughs to drop elle off, then we drove back to my house and sat around smoking in the sun all day. had a roast dinner, then sat in my room for about three hours, smoking, and talking about jazz. we both feel like something huge is going to happen in the next ten years that will completely change our lives forever...we talked about artistic integrity, mixing with the norm and avoiding false ideals...

ended up falling asleep to leonard cohen - i'm your man dvd. so many brilliant artists brought together with a mutual adoration and respect for this genius.

leonard cohen is a massive part of my life...so many beautiful words. his importance is immeasurable. 

one of my favourite leonard cohen songs is 'anthem'. it is from his 1991 album 'the future', and is musically and lyrically life affirming. this song has nurtured me through numerous instances in my life where i have suffocated, enclosed, imprisoned, questioned worth...

but 'there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in..'

'the birds they sang at the break of day.

start again, i heard them say.

don't dwell on what has passed away, or what is yet to be.

the wars, they will be fought again.

the holy dove, she will be cut again.

bought and sold and bought again, the dove is never free.

ring the bells that still can ring,

forget your perfect offering.

there is a crack in everything - that's how the light gets in.

we asked for signs, the signs were sent.

the birth betrayed, the marriage spent.

the widowhood of every government signs for all to see.

i can't run no more, with that lawless crowd.

while the killers in high places say their prayers out loud.

but they have summoned up a thunder cloud - they're gonna hear from me.

ring the bells that still can ring,

forget your perfect offering.

there is a crack in everything - that's how the light gets in.

you can add up the parts, you won't have a sum.

you can strike up the march, there is no drum.

every heart to love will come - but like a refugee. 

ring the bells that still can ring,

forget your perfect offering.

there is a crack in everything - that's how the light gets in.'

leonard cohen saved my life.

JUNE 19TH - 18.30

so last night ryan picked me up and we drove to lincoln, listening to prince all the way. stopped off at tescos - ryan's money still hadn't gone into his account, annoyance all round.

went back home, collette has come back from scotland/hull, so it was nice to see her. also - a first....all five members of portland st in the same room at once!! looked at novelty hat knitting patterns with amy and collette, went to the horse and groom with ryan to meet vic and her scouse lover....then went to mcdonalds on the way home - i ate two dinners last night!! such a man...

ended up watching never mind the buzzcocks (the patrick wolf episode where he purposefully says nothing), and having my character deconstructed by collette - she's so normal...

quote of the evening - 'but who in the world would say ''you know what, i really fancy going to see stereophonics'' '

watched t in the park, well - fast forwarded our way through it - such an awful line up, it was as if they had opened the nme and picked at random. rem played though, so that was somewhat of a saving grace.

woke up this morning at 11AM - SLEPT IN AGAIN! quickly got dressed and went into town to pick up my hoodie and the dvd of the show on tuesday. came home and went straight to grantham for my dentist appointment - thankfully my racist welsh dentist didn't offend me this time, so it was a worthwhile visit (my teeth are fine too)!

then went with my mother to my grandma and her friend's houses to water their plants...had another mcdonalds (i need to start eating properly again).

i'm just cutting up the dvd so i can upload it onto youtube...the prince set won't make it up, obviously, but the bowie set will. i suppose it would be courteous to upload the whole show...i will do at somepoint....

so here i am with the fantastic david bowie band, covering a fantastic song - heroes

JUNE 18TH - 19:21

today has been a lovely day. i woke up at around 12, slept in again...watched a channel 4 show about a middle aged couple who sold up their lives in derbyshire to move to the north welsh countryside, to buy a post office and start a new life...they were a completely ordinary couple, but the companionship they had was amazing, although again nothing out the ordinary. devotion and companionship is commonplace, but that doesn't degrade the beauty and power of it. but the majority of the normal public take this for granted, and those that are aware of the beauty of this crave it all the more. that said, they really were plain, they were both factory workers who had been made redundant...still inspired me though...

went into lincoln at around 2.00PM, met ryan and chesca at the angel, got a medium honeycomb latte, ended up paying for a large though...too polite to say anything, the coffee was good...

...sat outside for about 45 minutes, ended up talking to a random woman about who would win a fight between wolverine and riddick - i said that desperate dan would win hands down, then we realised how weird it is that he still lives with his auntie aggie, and that he manages to consume and digest cow horns...

ryan and i went glastonbury shopping - well, his money hadn't transferred into his account so it was effectively me shopping and ryan commentating. bought two vests from topman, and reserved a hoodie to pick up tomorrow morning. i was forced to drop my vendettas and buy two pairs of sneakers, a pair of trackie bottoms, ten pairs of thick socks and a pair of black skinnies from primark - all absolute bargains...then bought a pair of traditional glasto wellies from boyes - £8...

saw kate at the train station and took the train home with her, had a lovely talk. she's really excited about the das moustache party tomorrow night - i don't know whether it'll be as intense as the last one, that was like a deleted scene from skins, but this one will be memorable - chris and kelly are coming, so it will be a night to remember. spoke with kate about the perks of turning eighteen, but the inevitable anti-climax it presents...i told her that she will have a blast, and she will.

got my mum to pick me up from the train station, had too many bags to carry and they were primark bags - so they were ripping left right and centre. came home, and showed off my purchases. she had bought me some handwash and a nifty little first aid kit to take with me - she's such a motherly mother...

...had an amazing dinner, pepper steak, potato wedges and peas...was beautiful. had a conversation with my mother and sister about the show on tuesday night. they both think i'm going to be famous, my sister thinks i'll be as big as patrick wolf. imagine!! if i succeed in marrying him we'll be  john and yoko, but credible in the music and art scenes!!!

my mother told me that she hates how alexandra burke sacrificed the beauty of hallelujah and certain phrases within it in favour of lyrics that would promote the song as a christmas, accessible smash...my sister told me she absolutely loves joanna newsom (i already knew this), and i told her she needs to get into bjork...

i told her to listen to the vespertine album, one of the most beautiful pieces of art i have ever witnessed....

had a conversation with my mother about music in general, spoke about joni mitchell, fats domino, nina simone, prince' superiority over michael jackson. she said that leonard cohen is to bob dylan what the supremes are to the spice girls - i thoroughly enjoyed this, however i told her that bob dylan is still, inevitably, undeniably important, and at times a fantastic artist.

this said, my favourite bob dylan moment doesn't feature his presence at all. joan baez covering it ain't me babe...

she has the voice of an absolute angel, and is such an organic, friendly, pure woman...her voice has the stunning vibrato of edith piaf, with the softness of joni mitchell...eyes you could wander for days in...

'this is a protest song called no, no, no - it ain't me babe. it's dedicated to all the married people in the audience, and all the people who are about to get married - i guess i'm anti marriage..'

the face of the smiling girl, absolutely enthralled with the warmth of this woman...so natural, so real..

the love joan baez had for bob dylan makes this recital even more poignant - she takes bob dylan's emotions, and turns them on their head, she aims the pistol right back at him...

'move away from my window,leave at your own chosen speed.

i'm not the one you want babe,i'm not the one you need.

you say you're looking for someone,never weak - and always strong.

to protect you and defend you, whether you are right or wrong.

someone to open each and every door. but it ain't me babe,

no, no, no it ain't me babe. it ain't me you're looking for babe.

go lightly from the ledge babe, go lightly on the ground.

i'm not the one you want babe,i will only let you down.

'you say you're looking for someone who will promise never to part,

someone to close his eyes for you, someone to close his heart.

someone to die for you and more, but it ain't me babe.

no, no, no, it ain't me babe - it ain't me you're looking for babe.

go melt back into the night babe, everything inside's made of stone.

there's nothing here removing, and anyway i'm not alone.

you say you're looking for someone, to pick you up each time you fall.

to gather flowers constantly and come each time you call.

a lover for your life and nothing more, but it ain't me babe.

no, no, no it ain't me babe. it ain't me you're looking for babe.'

the feminine strength reminds me of my love for julia margaret cameron....

Julia Margaret Cameron, Divine Love, Mary Hillier 1865. 

JUNE 17TH - 22:22

i will begin this post with describing and trying to get my head around the events of the last two days, predominantly those of last night..

on tuesday morning i got the train into lincoln at 9.30. i wass rushing around at home, i slept in as the night before i had been trying to sort out an outfit for my bowie set. my dad drove me round to the train station, just as the train was pulling in - i love it when that happens...

...as soon as i got into lincoln i treated myself to a pack of marlboro reds - the day ahead was to be busy and tiring so this was a luxury and an ease! upon buying the cigarettes i realised i had bought a soft pack - i have never seen one of these before, and spent the majority of the day informing everyone of their existence..

had a bowie rehearsal at 10AM - i was half an hour late as i went to topman to buy a plain white t shirt (i bought an XXS!) to paint my prince design onto... my voice was sketchy in the rehearsel, i had an irritable throat and struggled at points, but the band were tight and it made me feel certain in our inevitable success...

went down to the drill hall for 12.30, only to be told that we aren't allowed to begin run throughs until 2PM as people in the cafeteria have complained about the noise...

THIS IS MENTAL! it is a theatre, a space for performance...a performance needs sound checks and rehearsals! there were only about four people in the cafeteria anyway! absurd...

after a day of good, albeit delayed rehearsals, i spent the majority of my time before the performance sat backstage, talking with friends and nipping outside for cigarettes. 

the show started at 7.30, kicking off with the prince set. i'd never enjoyed those songs as much as i did last night - the band were incredibly tight. my mother was in the crowd, and i was singing the songs for her, she was too ill to see the prince show the first time round, so last night was for my mother. the harmonies on purple rain sounded amazing, and the energy in get off was intense. after the prince set, and a kind applause from the unexpectedly huge crowd, i went backstage to rest, and see my family and friends briefly.

the second act opened with my david bowie set. i have performed countless times in my life, but the energy and intensity i felt when performing those songs last night completely overtook me.

 the power behind those songs....the energy of fame, the bitterness of let's dance and the emotion of heroes...i screamed and screamed, i felt at one with the songs...i sang like i had nothing to lose. i didn't perform, i existed. 

when the bowie set had finished, i felt incredibly faint, and ran backstage immediately to sit down. i've been so tired lately, mentally and physically, but the show last night gave me such a boost. i've found out i need to learn how to take compliments..

after the show had finished, i stayed behind to help with the get out. it was all fine and dandy, howell and i adopting our usual post as van loaders/drivers...UNTIL THE BATTERY DIES ON THE VAN! end up sitting at the drill hall until 1.30AM...jack josh and i literally run to romeo's pizza and stay there until 2.30AM...i leave jack and josh at josh's flat to go to adam's..

i got to sleep at around 3.00AM, and fell asleep listening to neon bible... i remember buying this album at somerfield in sleaford after school, i must have been fifteen, and thinking it the world. in heinsight, it is still musically fantastic, but i think it loses itself in parts to it's predetermined goals...it loses intensity in favour of purpose.

however, it does contain some of arcade fire's finest moments...this being one of them.

the music in this song gives me the same sense of bittersweet as david bowie and nick cave's work...the music itself combining the saucy, salsa-esque guitar strumming and drumming with a brooding intensity, before progressing into a lifesaving finale of hornsand piano stabs...the finale almost reminds me of beirut...absolutely magical. true originals...

'you got your reasons, and me i got mine.

but all the reasons i gave were just lies to buy myself some time, i've come to work it out.'

i got a letter from ucas today, asking for me to verify something to do with exam boards/grades, as what it says on my entry doesn't match with what the exam boards themselves have said...it's all very confusing, i will have to seek the help of dave for this one.

JUNE 15TH - 21:03

tonight i am very tired. today was a long day, lots of waiting...my saxophone sounds amazing in the auditorium though, i surprised myself. i haven't played in five years, and picked it up a couple of weeks ago. i'm very excited about tomorrow night's show - the sound in the drill hall will be amazing, the lights will be spectacular, and i need to take tonight to make sure my outfit is fabulous...i love singing let's dance and heroes, i get to scream and wail.. 

on the train home i noticed that you can see the cathedral from much further away than i thought - it's hidden on the horizon between a group of trees close to metheringham. i only saw it through chance, in three years of using this train route i've never noticed it before..

need to start shopping for glastonbury this week - luckily the weather will not be a monsoon,and we're to expect quite an average, slightly pleasant weeekend in terms of weather. i'm unsure as to whether i'd prefer a monsoon...

i've been worrying about the summer today. i really need to try hard to make sure i don't lose myself, i always struggle in the summer... such a vast amount of time with no structure or objectives. i think this summer will be a good opportunity for me to have the stereotypical 'best summer ever' that young people always proclaim certain summers to be...i have my three very best friends and that makes me happy. i want to make sure i spend as much time with kelly as possible, as i daren't think about how much i will miss her when i move away.

i am trying really hard to find a scene from la vie en rose that epitomises the importance of honesty, emotion and truth in art. it's one of the most important pieces of film in my life..i can't find it so i will describe it. edith piaf is so alive in my thoughts, senses and emotions...she will never die.

in the previous scene edith leaves marcel a message on his answer phone, demanding he comes to her at once as she cannot live another day without him. the aforementioned scene shows edith awaken, and turn to see marcel lying on the bed beside her. she is overjoyed, and smothers him in kisses. she makes coffee and brings it to the bedroom, a beaming smile on her face. she remembers a gift she has for him, and leaves the bedroom to find it. she is exuberant and alive, excited to give the gift to her love..

she looks for the gift (which happens to be a watch) and asks her house staff, one by one, to help her find it. the house staff look mortified, as if they have been crying for hours, each of them bearing an expression of supreme anxiety and upset. edith is confused, and becomes angry as to where the watch is, and why her staff are acting in this way..

..edith goes back to the bedroom. marcel isn't there. she screams his name, and breaks down, tears streaming from her face. she can barely stand, she struggles to breathe, her body convulses, her senses uncontrollable. a trusted member of staff tearfully informs edith of marcel's death, the plane he spontaneously boarded to see her never landed on french soil. 

edith is distraught, she reaches out, she shakes, she stumbles, she is hysterical. she walks down a corridor in her parisian apartment, and the camera turns in full cycle, so we can see what lies at the end of the corridor - the stage of edith's most cherished venue, l'olympia, to an entranced and eager crowd.

edith piaf never performed. she existed, what the audience saw was nudity, honesty, power, weakness, strength, vulnerability, self affliction, self preservation, humanity....

beauty is a word, and thus doesn't do this song justice. it was voted 4th most beautiful french song of all time. who's to compare beauty?

her eyes, her beautiful hands, her holy voice. 

Edith Piaf L'Hymne à L'Amour English subtitles
by lightning49

edith piaf - l'hymne a l'amour (a hymn to love)

'the blue sky above us could collapse,

and the earth could well fall to pieces - matters little to me if you love me.

i don't give a damn about the whole world.

as long as love floods my mornings,

as long as my body quivers under your hands,

problems matter little to me, my love - since you love me.

i would dye my hair blonde if you asked me to.

i would tear down the moon, steal a fortune

if you asked it of me.

i would renounce my country, 

i would renounce my friends,

if you asked it of me.

all can really laugh at me, 

i would do no matter what - if you asked it of me.

if one day life tears you away from me,

if you die far away from me - matters little to me if you love me,

for i will die aswell.

we will have for us eternity in the immense blue sky,

in heaven - no more problems.

my love, believe that we love eachother.

god reunites those who love eachother.'

JUNE 14TH - 23:42

it's hard to believe someone cares about how you feel when they don't make any effort to keep you in their life, and there's nothing worse than feeling disposable. i always try to keep people and nourish them as human beings, it's tiring but it's our duty... ignorance isn't bliss, it's ignorance. sometimes a certain person brings home the territorial, neanderthal, ignorance... he has beautiful lips though, and i still lose myself in his eyes. i was an experiment, if you care about how i feel then show it, if not - then don't lie. it never showed anyway. 

LIFE IS TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED. i have faith in intimacy and reality.

i listened to bits of the fall - the marshall suite on spotify, chris told me it was really electro. it's not that electro, but this song is brilliant, and the songs that proceed it. it makes me want to punch mark e smith, which in his language means hug.

'mark e smith moved to edinburgh but he liked it too much so he moved back to manchester'

jazz prescription:

jean genet went to school! need to read our lady of the flowers again...thought i saw jean genet in belton house today but realised he's still dead, and there wasn't a black panther sticker on his rover estate..

JUST FOUND AN AMAZING VON GLOEDEN PICTURE - wanted to try and find a picture from the taromina collection, but i can't find it on the internet, and i don't have a scanner to scan it in...this is proof to von gloeden's critics that he personified beauty in all forms...